Valentine's Day

As February begins, the pinks and reds start to blossom in every Duane Reade and flower shop. Even Whole Foods is attempting to convince us that their overpriced tulips are worth that extra $12, because they are organically good for your heart or some shit. The only part I like about Valentine's Day is the chocolate, if I am lucky enough to get any. Somehow, each year, I usually end up stealing from my friend's boxes of Godiva or See's. Whatever, getting presents is overrated anyways... As this 'holiday' rolls in closer, it seems that Cupid is chillin' at every corner, finding a way for you to tell that 'special someone' how much you love them. Now, you can even wipe your ass with love.

The description on the website states: "Is there a better way to say 'I Love You From Top To Bottom?' " No, I am not shitting you (pun intended), that is the direct quote. The sad thing is, I would probably prefer to get the toilet paper over a box of chocolates or bouquet of roses. I mean, the extra toilet paper is definitely more necessary than some dying flowers or fattening chocolates. There would be nothing better than having that extra roll of "I Love You" waiting for me when, once again, I forgot to buy another roll of that precious paper. Instead of sitting there stumped on what can suffice as decent TP (I don't think I needed that receipt anyways...), I can just grab my roll o' love and be carefree! Now that's amore!

Although Saint Valentine's Day is supposed to be the day you express your love to your honey-bunches-of-oats schnookums or that guy you have been stalking in the dining commons, some nasty little presents have emerged on the V-Day market. I am going to blame all this anti-valentine's day buzz on Twilight. Thanks to Edward (and to some wacked out souls, Jacob), women of all ages (and some men) don't need to pray to these divinities of love because they now have their dream man waiting for them. I mean seriously, can't anyone understand that I am patiently waiting for Edward, the love of my life, to come and literally sweep me off my feet!? I mean sure there will be some issues...him wanting to suck my blood and my hot buff werewolf friend that is so totally in love with me, but we will work it out. No woman is alone now because she has Twilight, and dammit, it's real.... Therefore, Cupid or Aphrodite or one of these love addicts didn't get all the attention they have been getting in previous years, which is shown through the creation of Dirty Rotten Flowers. This fantabulously little chic website enables anyone to send their unloved one decomposing flowers or decapitated roses. What a thoughtful and caring way to say "Fuck You" on the day of love. Now only if I had my exboyfriend's address...